Thoughts on Being a Single Mom

What I'm about to say may offend some, so I'm warning that in advance. And this will be another long post. But I feel the need to say this I guess. The past two weeks without a husband around has really been interesting, enlightening I suppose. I'm at my halfway point of having Adam gone. I found myself actually keeping a handwritten journal of sorts of thoughts I've had--which I haven't done in years. Mostly because some of my thoughts would not be appropriate for this blog for a lot of reasons...even more ranting than I do on here--if that's even possible! Yep, for me it is!:) It's my Malan genes I think.

First off, I should say that life hasn't been "all that different" which maybe is a sad state of what happens when life is difficult, or when one has a husband in residency. I guess I've just "gotten used to" him being gone, having to figure out life on my own, except when I just have no patience for things and then I complain until somehow the things I need done and don't want to do get done.

I guess mainly, I'm just learning that we all have different points in life that we have to sacrifice certain things and just "learn to deal." I found myself speaking of a friend the other day, to another single woman who has a grown son and saying, "Man, I just don't know how she does this." The woman I was talking about is a woman that I go to church with and has two children, and has pretty much always done the "single mom thing." I've realized how much I don't like being single, completely on my own, and yet I realize through this experience that if I had to that could do it. Maybe that's a disturbing thought. And maybe it stems a bit from my college friend Becca Dorfmeier who passed away last week and thinking of her husband who is now left to care for a 7 year old son and 4 year old twin daughters. I'm sure he never thought he'd have to be a single dad, and yet he'll do it. He'll figure it out, just like everyone has to when terrible things happen. And knowing Becca, I'm sure he'll do it well, knowing she is looking down on him.

Having Adam gone has made me really realize our roles in our home, whether they are up to par or not. I realize that I really do run this joint! Which irritates me a bit I suppose, but well, for the past almost 10 years we've been doing things that (I'll venture to say) most others don't experience...that of "making a doctor." His role has been work (school) in order to provide for our family (now--finally--and in the future) and my role has been home and family...but well, I suppose it feels like MORE than that...even though I know it ISN'T more than what he's doing in terms of "equality" or whatever. I think it's just my violin out whining (sorry for that!). But truly, I've paid attention over this time with him gone what he does around the house. And I very much appreciate what he does do...but I carry most of that weight, and I guess it bugs me a bit today. Should I say that? Maybe, maybe not. It's just one of those odd realizations I've had, to realize that I could "run things" if I had to. I work outside the home (yes...very very part time, hardly "working" to most people) and somehow do J's homework, taxi him around, keep on top of doctor checkups and shots, make sure we never run out of toilet paper (well, anything really--I'm kinda anal about running out of regular household stuff), grocery shop, menu plan, try to keep my own activities in check, be pregant and (still...) intermittantly puke, and do many church responsibilites....it's just all a weird mess in my head to think about. And yeah, I guess it bugs me today, that it seems husbands just have to worry about work (school) pretty much. Somehow I know why this is so though, I know how my brain organizes things and there's definitely a divine reason for these roles. I totally won't deny that. I guess I just need to whine (again).

BUT....and here's the BIG BUT. I'm grateful that I do have a husband that supports me. Grateful that he doesn't expect me to work (says I can always quit anytime I want) and will support whatever I decide I want to do in life--always has. He listens patiently to my woes and supports whatever I do. There came a point in our marriage where he realized how important it is to acknowledge the things he appreciates of me, that I HEAR them, and ever since, there's not a meal that goes by, a bathroom that gets cleaned, a laundry basket full of clean folded laundry that I've done that he doesn't say, "thanks" for my accomplishing the task. I'll have to say, that was a huge turning point in our relationship. He doesn't ever (and I mean EVER) get off the phone with me without saying, "I love you." He knows how important it is to tell his boys he loves them and hugs and kisses them every night after kneeling in family prayer. But all these things were not innate and not things he grew up witnessing in his own home. We all grow up differently, and I'm grateful for the man he is, but more importantly, who he's become and who he strives to be. Marriage is tough. My little brother got engaged this week. I'm excited for him and my future sister in law. But I know the struggles that are ahead, just because it's a difficult thing to merge two lives from two different families. I'm grateful for my faith that keeps me grounded, reminds me of my ultimate goals. I'm grateful to be sealed to my husband forever, not just "til death do us part." It gives me peace and solace when times are tough. I am grateful for the tasks Adam daily completes, without complaint, and loves me--even when I ask for the trash to be taken out a few times!:) I must say, I hate taking out the trash....almost as bad as cleaning boy-sprayed toilets (which he cleans too sometimes!)! I can't wait for this one more nonsensical part of residency adventure to be over in two weeks. And although I know that it won't be smooth sailing, with two sets of boards exams next year and increased call in January (amidst us having a new baby) it'll be one more thing to chalk up as experience. Which is what this life is all about anyway, right? More experience. I just pray for the strength to be able to continue to handle it all. We've come a long way! I know that Heavenly Father is always there though and that it's only through him that I make it each day. I'm grateful for that knowledge.