Blurbs

I've been having random thoughts, and maybe that's what nursing a baby provides--time to think on life a bit. So here are a few blurbs from my brain:

• 4:30 am is a great [however forced] time to get reaquainted with the scriptures. I keep a tiny Book of Mormon (the kind made for military personnel because it's so tiny-- I LOVE it!) on my nightstand and it's handy when I'm up feeding Carson. I'm ashamed to admit that this is the most consistant I've been in a long time with scripture reading, but it's such a good feeling...even if some days it feels like more of a check off the to-do list accomplishment. It's the effort that counts, in my opinion.
• On that note, I've determined that Mosiah is a great place to start in reading. I think I get too caught up in the whole reading "cover-to cover" notion, and it's really faulty thinking, and quite discouraging really when we get stuck in 2nd Nephi or something. So (to the tune of Julie Andrews...) Mosiah is a very good place to start.
• Baby acne really stinks. I guess it's not actually stinky, but just really not cute. And it's ruining all my baby picture taking plans. I need to take pictures soon with the boys by the tulips that bloomed in our front yard (mental note).
• Is moonlighting really worth it? Is making ends meet really all that important? Paying student loans important? Eh, blah. Today was a beautiful day and I wish Adam were home to enjoy it instead of moonlighting.
• Went out for a Girl's Night Out last night, which was great. I'm sure they think I'm a bit nutso because well, I don't hold much back these days, but hopefully no one was offended by my comments. I enjoyed hanging out with them. Oh, and there was this REALLY creepy guy at Olive Garden, in a booth next to us/behind Teigan that every time I looked over at him he was staring back at me/us with one eye. ONE eye. And of course I couldn't yell that across the room to all of the other girls because he was watching us. I hate creepy people, but creepy men in particular. That sounds harsh, but it's true.
• What has residency, or maybe my reaction to residency done to me? Have I been more cynical? Yes. More tired? Yes. Less social? Way yes. Fatter? By 50 lbs, yes. Some might group all this together and label it "depressed," yet I really don't think so. I think I just don't know how to "be me" the way I once was maybe? Or maybe it's what residency and the stresses of it have done to me. And for that I can be very very bitter about the experience, which can maybe be exhibited in my lack of socialness. At certain moments I can be very grateful for all I've gone through during the last 4 years. And sometimes I can be in a very dark place, feeling very blindsighted by all of it. Or maybe pistol-whipped? Yeah, that sounds terrible, I know. In church we learn of the "pride cycle" but I've learned another terrible cycle--the "bitterness cycle." And it's almost as deadening as pride I do believe.
• On that ugly note (and wow, way too many puns have crossed my mind while writing this), I really do want to get a real family picture. I can't remember if it was Adam or Justin who pointed out over this last month that the picture that hangs above our fireplace only has 1 of my 3 chldren in it. Pathetic, but the last time I felt halfway picture worthy was before residency, and even in that picture I remember how fat I felt, wanting to be down 20-30 lbs from where I was when it was taken.
• SO. I think I'm finally in the "ready to change" cycle again. I've been there so many times before that it's exhausting to think about, knowing the work ahead. But I'm not getting younger, life isn't going to get magically easier (2011 could be more rough with Adam's fellowship...I'm bracing myself for a ride.), and I really don't want to have diabetes or die of a heart attack. So it's time. I've wasted too much of my 20s being unhappy with things, I've needed a major attitude adjustment I think. So 30s have to be better, different. I need to make them be. Only I can change my own thinking and attitude. No more pity parties.
• I sure love snuggling sleeping babies. Nothing better I think. I wish I had appreciated it more with my other two boys. I'm learning a lot of things about life with this kiddo, and most of all I need to stop and appreciate every moment I have with my kids. I don't do it enough, or at least haven't done it enough--to stop and tend the roses. It's a new day to start over.
• I love that we get to start over every day. How merciful Heavenly Father is to each of us, and how grateful I am for His Son, for I know only through Him can my ultimate goals be reached.