Debating

over whether to post this stuff. It's been a rough week (well, weeks really). Sometimes it's easier to just try to ignore stuff or sweep it all under the rug, but I'm finally ready to post about it I suppose.


I'm TOTALLY and THOROUGHLY frustrated with this pregnancy. Not the baby, mind you, but the pregnancy itself. Why can't I just be one of those cute pregnant girls who doesn't morph into "ugly Melissa" as I like to refer to it--one of those whose body doesn't change except their cute little basketball tummy. And why do I have to have ailments with my pregnancies, not just little aches and pains, but sciatica where my leg completely gives out on me while trying to walk, or unbelievably terrible "heart burn," or ridiculously frequent and sometimes painful contractions? Really, sometimes I just think God really has an interesting sense of humor. I mean, I really believe he HAS to, to BE God. As was said by my friend Jenn at church, "He has to have a sense of humor. He created hippopotamuses, after all!!" Loved that comment in our church meeting. And I'm also a strong believer that not only do we each have a purpose here in this life, but that in all that we do, all that happens to us, that we have an opportunity to learn. Sometimes I wonder if I'm failing my test miserably and that my test is not to whine and just put on a happy face and pretend all is well in the world. But when I do that I feel very much fake and that I'm living a big lie. So I don't! So sorry to one and all who may read this, this is 'how it IS' for me.


I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes last week. And for the week since, I've been pretty much in total denial. Pretty much. I'm terrified, scared for the baby, but (and I know this is selfish) totally scared of how I'm going to manage this. I (as well as many nurses I've worked with) have often said things about "those" people who don't manage their diabetes appropriately and sit in their hospital rooms eating candy bar after candy bar and then have blood sugars of like 460+. But what if I turn into one of "them."??? It terrifies me. I know that this is 'just' temporary and that I can handle it, but...what if I'm one of the few percent of women who end up staying diabetic--the diabetes doesn't go away after the baby is born, as is usually the case. That is just a huge fear of mine. I can't live without sugar.

So I met with the endocrine dietitian lady yesterday. She was great, spent a lot of time going over things with me. And it all really isn't THAT hard. But it's a diet, paying attention to everything that goes into my mouth. And I HATE diets. This one will be very hard, but my mom told me it was much worse 20 years ago when she was gestational diabetic with my sister. My mom was quite shocked to hear that it's mostly about counting carb servings instead of counting everything. So I guess I should be glad for that? I have to test my blood 4 times a day (and my fingers are already killing me. Sucks. I'd rather give a pint of blood every day than have to poke my fingers this much--finger pokes HURT) and try to pay attention when my sugars are too high, like what I was eating beforehand, etc. So for now I'm mourning the loss of sugar in my life....ugh. I'm a sugar addict so this is going to be hard. REALLY hard.

After meeting with the RD, I came home to get a call from my doc's office, telling me that I'm on "modified bedrest"--they'd been doing a 24 hr UA (THAT stinks btw.) and they ran a bunch of blood tests on me yesterday due to my having high blood pressure the past month, plus all the contractions. They were testing me for preeclampsia. For now they're just calling my condition "Pregnancy-induced hypertension." And the "modified bedrest": Not a ton of specifics, except "No more working" "Check your blood pressure morning and night" and "Stay down as much as possible." I was scheduled for 3 more shifts at work, over the next 3 weeks and then I was going on maternity leave anyway, but I felt bad having to tell my boss. She really is an amazing boss, I must say. One of the first things she wanted to know was if she could help babysit my boys. How sweet. I think we'll be able to figure it out for now, but if I get put on meds and "real" total bedrest, things may get significantly difficult--I remember how terrible I felt w/ Justin's bedrest and handful of meds--I didn't have any kids to chase after and it was all I could do to get to the bathroom and back, the meds made me so sick. So grateful for now that things are fine.

Ahgrr. It feels good to get that typed out. Been so frustrated and depressed over it all, but I know when the baby gets here it'll be worth it. I've just got to endure. And oftentimes (as I've learned LOTS over the past many years) sometimes that's what we have to learn most--how to endure, try to stay positive, and know that we have a Heavenly Father who is watching over us all, even in our trials.

Off to go "rest" now....